It is important to recognize how stigmatized the infertile feel (Miall, 1986). The assumption that everyone has children can be seen in a very common opening conversational gambit on first meeting with someone new. This is to ask about their children, the assumption being that everyone is a parent. Goffman (1963) first discussed the psychological effects of spoiled identity and resultant stigmatization. This has subsequently been adapted specifically to the infertile. Once the couple realize that they are no longer likely to be parents they move from the 'virtual social identity' of being parents into an 'actual social identity' of not being parents. There identity is spoiled. At this point reclassification takes place, frequently in to a stigmatized category (Baron, 1979). Almost always the attribution of stigma is associated with myths of other imperfections. In the case of infertility the common mythical imperfections are selfishness and materialism, and for the woman the myth that she will turn into a crabby old hag. The stigmatization is compounded by the fact that the infertile couple frequently hold the same belief about themselves.

Many ways are adopted to deal with the emotional pain of infertility and stigmatization such as: attempts to conceal the situation by denying that they want children; developing other interests; using the stigma to get sympathy and attention; becoming a parent another way (which as far as adoption goes has become increasingly more difficult); avoiding any social situation where there would be contact with those now considered normal (thus friends may be lost); offering unconventional explanations of one's social identity. Part of coming to terms with infertility will therefore be no longer to view oneself as having a stigma. Thus if the definition of being normal no longer includes being a parent then the stigma is removed.